Your Vagina and You: Terrascaping Your Lady Parts

Catchy title, no?

We’re going to talk about how to take your vagina from this…

 

 

to this…

 

 

First, we’re going to talk pH. You can swab your lady cave with a sterile Q-tip and dab it onto the pH pad on a urine test strip to get an idea of where you’re at. The 10 reagent strips typically only show a pH as low as 5, so if it’s higher than that, work on getting it down and order these for an easier read. You want to work on it till you see 3.8-4.5.

If you struggle with vaginosis, you’ll find your vaginal pH is perpetually too high. This is usually caused by a round of antibiotics assassinating your vagina’s friendly natives, Lactobacillus, who naturally keep your lady parts nicely acidic. When they’ve shuffled off this mortal coil, hardier hostiles with a predilection for an alkaline environment enthusiastically fornicate in the freshly vacated territory.

That is to say, Gardnerella vaginalis gets busy in all that empty space, and you start to burn. And have flashbacks to that time your dad took you fishing on a hot summer day…if you catch my drift.

 

Be of good cheer, there’s a quick fix. First, start the coconut oil treatments I outline here, and order yourself some Nature’s Way Vitamin C, and some probiotics.

Why only 10 billion in the recommended probiotic, you ask? Why not go with 90 billion?!

Because Lactobacillus can go rogue and give you a UTI, darling.
No joke.
And that kind of UTI can’t be healed naturally, because things like OLE play pattycake with the friendlies, even if they’re caught horsing around where they shouldn’t be.

A Lactobacillus UTI..I’ll never forget the moment, ladies and gentlemen, when I saw that lady’s lab report. She had a UTI that wasn’t budging, so I asked her to get it cultured, and what grew was Lactobacillus.
I was flabbergasted.
Floored.
Astounded.

My mind blew. It reeled. It tottered briefly over the abyss of heretofore undreamt of possibilities…in short, I was so pop-eyed with excitement over it that I really needed Cher there to keep me grounded…

 

…but she was busy getting something lifted or tucked or plucked or polished or waxed, so I had to do it myself.

 

 

So yeah, you don’t need to go wild with the Lactobacillus. 10 billion is fine. Do the coconut oil bullet one night, then put a Vitamin C capsule well up there the next night, the coconut oil the next night, then the Vitamin C one more night. Now, you’re ready to move the Lactobacillus into their new quarters, nice and high up in there. One application should do it: you can take the rest orally and make your gut happy, too.

Alternatively, you have recurring yeast infections.

1. Cleanse your gut with charcoal as described elsewhere on the blog, with the laxative/charcoal treatment, and
2. Do the OLE/ginger/turmeric-infused coconut oil bullets every night until the symptoms have been gone for 2 days, then apply a probiotic capsule on the 3rd night.
3. If the two of these things combined don’t do the trick, you need to do more gut cleansing with charcoal because you have one seriously bad Candida overgrowth, and you may need to douche with a charcoal/water slurry to stop vaginal pain/itching.
   I’ve only had 2 ladies who needed that, so I wouldn’t worry too much. If you think you need it, e-mail me and I’ll walk you through the nitty-gritty details.